What dating has in common with airplanes

I never wrote about the rest of my roadtrip. I will do that. I promise! What I can say: It was truly amazing.

The last couple weeks went by so quickly. After coming home from a 12 hour car ride, I got back to work the next day right away, feeling like I had a 12 hour plane flight and jetlack. The long car ride back was horrible and I will not do that again, without stopping over night half way. But you live, you learn.

Since being back dating suddenly has become a topic. Not with that crush. He is single I know that, but it still would not be a good fit for me. I got over it pretty quickly.

But after my tiny panic attack in a train on the way to an appointment with a client, my therapist suggested that it would be a good idea to go on a couple dates, just to practice.

Since my last experience with a man, who turnt out to be a fraud, I have panic attacks in trains, Skilifts and worst of all airplanes.

Being sober and not drinking does not help either with flying. When I still was drinking a couple years ago, I always had two glasses of red wine before getting on the plane and this really medicated the mild nervousness I always used to have in vehicles flying through the air.

But still, my whole life I traveled and although I never enjoyed flying, I was not too scared, just a tiny bit and alcohol was my medicine. This panic attack thing started a year and a half ago, after that relationship ended. During that time, I also had a lot of stress in my last job and for that job I had to get up at 5 am a lot and fly to different cities just for a day.

After the last flight with a panic attack and sitting with the stewardess I could not get myself to fly again.

I don’t have to travel too much anymore. If I do have to travel, I take the car or go by train.

When I was on a sprinter train in March, it happened again, panic attack on the train.

That is when I realized that things are not good right now. It is one thing to be afraid of flying, but trainrides?

My therapist thinks that this is connected with the fraud of that man and the commitment phobia I started to have.

It was like flying high in love and then crashing and burning, so suddenly, not one sign that this would happen.

That man ghosted me after we were not just dating, but pretty seriously. After he ghosted me, also a million lies came out.

It was the hardest thing to get through, honestly. The pain was real, not because of the man, but that this happened to me.

The last year and a half I have not even considered dating. I feel really comfortable isolating thinking about some men that they are cute, nice or funny, but not more. Makes me feel, like I have things under control.

And I honestly feel more like slowly cutting off my arm with a dull knife than starting to date.

It makes sense to me that this is the result of my commitment phobia I caught 1,5 years ago.

Over the last week I checked out different online platforms, which all make me want to puke, but I chose two for testing and I try to open up for messaging with men.

Other than that, things are going good, after a little bump on the road, my business is thriving again, I am leaving for another vacation soon and my codependency is still strong, but hey I am just in step 2.

So I have so many aa sponsees, that I really have to focus to not switch things up, because I simply cannot say no.

A couple days ago, I went over a fellows house in the middle of the night and slept on her couch, because she finally broke up with her boyfriend forever and she felt so bad and sad.

But no worries: they are back together beginning the whole cycle again and I am still catching up on the sleep I lost that night.

Things are well! 😉

Well, I don’t want to joke: besides a couple little bumps, things are truly well and I am very grateful.

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Buongiorno

I am in the most gorgeous scenery and I am struggling. Well that is the thing. Even when you travel, you are always taking yourself along. As an alcoholic and a codependent with a crazy brain it can be tough.

Tonight I am bit overwhelmed. I love to be self employed but on this holiday, it has been a bit annoying. Since I am having a ton of projects waiting for me, when I get back, I still have to answer some emails und do a little work here and there. Now I am the boss, so there is only me. I am still trying to be grateful, because how cool is it, that i have the possibility to work from everywhere, if I want to. I could just stay here. I just need a Laptop and a telephone and yes good internet.

It still makes me overwhelmed. I want to find some piece and experience everything.

But let’s talk about Italien bus drivers and the tourist hotspot “the three peaks” in the Dolomites.

After a yummy coffee, a good breakfast and a few calls from whiny friends, I took off. I have to say that I was pretty excited since I watched a ton of documentaries about the Dolomites and I always wanted to see this in person.

So, I hopped on to the shuttle bus with a trizillian other people. I guess everyone else saw those documentaries too.

When the bus started driving up the mountains I feared for my life multiple times. It goes up up up in tiny curves and of course that bus was not the only vehicle on the road, even our bus driver pretended to be. Well he did not care that there were 50 people on the bus who just wanted to see the “three peaks” and not take the bus from hell.

After driving for minutes and minutes finally a slower car in front of us! Thank god! Well, no!

I could not believe my eyes and ears and everything that I learnt in life, he started to pass that vehicle on this tiny road where there is just down down down very steeply on both sides.

So after 40 minutes we arrived on the Rifugio Auronzo on 2.333m from where the hike began.

To put things in perspective:

People!

Maybe I saw too may mountains in the last couple days, but my first thought was: wow al lot of stones… but then the beauty started…

The hike was not too long with 10km. I am used to 20 km hikes, but the ups and downs in the mountains were definitely killing. To catch a picture of the three peaks there is no way around to either google or hike that path. So I continued hiking and then there they were:

The more I hiked the more beauty I saw. Cows were walking around everywhere or doing siesta in the sun. There was no sound, but my own footsteps and the bells of the cows they wear around their neck.

I am so tired from the hike. So I will go to bed and then Tuscany tomorrow… here we come

Good night

A roadtrip to me

I am in Italy and finally my internet is working. I have such a desperate need to write. This all feels like a movie. On Friday night I arrived in the south of Germany. When I saw the mountains in the far distant for the first time, I screamed for joy. Soooo beautiful. I just love, love, love the mountains.

The view from my balcony was just AMAZING!

It looks like a picture, but this was the window view, of which I just could not get enough.

The hotel was gorgeous and I felt like in a romantic dream.

So Saturday I did my first hike up to the “hoellentalklamm”. A tough hike, but so worth it.

When I get back, I will prepare a little video. It is tough to capture all this beauty on a picture.

On Sunday morning I took up the train from the 1930’s on the top of the Zugspitze, the highest mountain in Germany. This was one of the funnest things I ever did. The beautiful scenery was just breathtaking.

This morning I went to the second village of my roadtrip. I drove through Austria with an unbelievable view from the roads and finally arrived in south-Tirol in northern Italy.

I am in a little village called Toblach in the Dolomites. It feels like in a movie. Prego, prego… I am smiling!

I am doing it! I am on a roadtrip by myself.

Tomorrow I will take a hike around the famous three peaks. Will get up early and take the bus.

Very excited 🙂

A new vision

Hey there,

I have not forgotten about you little blog. I had so much work to do, a crazy client, who pulled of both my arms and where I had to say that lines are crossed. Difficult and this burnt me out for a couple of days. I relapsed smoking through this and I have been off track and as hard as I am trying I am not getting on track right now.

Other than that I had a good and even enlightening time. I started to do some inner child work and had an epiphany: I am not alone, because I am there.

I am in the south of Germany and I cannot believe how beautiful it is here. I had goosebumps from all the beauty. I am so happy right now, I cannot put it into words.

I will update about my travels in the next week. I am so excited. All is good. It works if you work it.

This is not a picture, this is my window in my hotel room. AMAZING 🙂

Oh no the picture will not upload…:( will show it later

My Crush – My Crash

6:30pm

Before I go to the Coda meeting, I finally wanted to write a bit about my crush.

Haha! This sentence above sounds so funny 😀

So, I have been in AA now for more than 3,5 years and I never had a real crush. There was a guy here in there I thought was cute, but other than that I did my recovery thing and stayed the hell away from men in AA. This has been a blessing.  I also want to highlight that in no way I plan on moving my imaginary relationship with my crush on planet reality.

So, why I am so excited and why do I write about it?

Since my experience with Fraud the Exboyfriend two years ago, I hated men. Not all men, not my friends or family men, but in generell, I hated to talk to men, I thought all men are bad…etc. My trust in men were really broken, even I know that it was very unfair to not trust  3 Billion men on this planet, because one man turned out to be a fraud.

It has been a slow process..

10:00 pm

I wanted to continue the words above after I get back from the meeting, but I am in such a bad mood now. I will not write about what happened in the meeting, because of course I would never do that! “who you see here what you hear here, let it stay here”. I just want to say that someone triggered me so bad tonight, that I don´t know for now, if I can go to this meeting again. And I know from all my AA meetings, that the disease is telling me that, but right now, I cannot see it differently.

Someone really crossed the line and did not respect my boundaries and me as a person.

Before I decide if I go again or not or whatever, I have to work through this. Right now my solution is Ben & Jerrys instead of the 12 Steps. This upsets me even more. After I am done eating, I will write my inventory about this and then go to bed. Will continue watching Recovery Boys on netflix. Really liked the concept. Anybody seen this?

P.S. I promise I will continue the crush story… just not in a mood tonight.

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An excited inner child

Ok, I feel better! In my last post a couple hours ago, I wrote about how I am struggling today, because of various topics. Thank you for your supporting comments. Your words really helped.

Cannot believe I almost relapsed with smoking on day 18. I am glad I could write about my thoughts and feelings here. That really helped.

Also I talked to my Sponsor and she sent me some great speaker tape. I love speaker tapes. One of my favorite speaker tapes is this one here.

The thing which really has been helping me a lot these past month is painting. And no I am not a painter. I maybe a bad painter, but I really don´t care. My inner child has been really excited and proud and since being on this recovery and healing journey I guess this is what is the right thing for me right now.

Today I I really did not know what to paint, so I was thinking about my vacation and startet with Cinque Terre, because I really cannot wait to see this.

I am still working on my list and I am not ready yet to talk about my crush.

Later…:)

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cannot manage my own life

Yesterday I celebrated 3,5 years of sobriety. I still cannot believe it. I also still cannot believe that I actually thought that my life is manageable while I was still drinking. Today I can clearly see that my life is not manageable and that I need a higher power and that I need the 12 steps to feel close to my higher power.

Also I am 18 days smokefree and I almost relapsed today. I could clearly see, why I almost got pulled into the believe that my only solution would be a cigarette…

But things started last night: I did not care about my self-care. First my day was really fantastic. I went to a meeting in a different city, where I haven´t been in a while. It was really great to see all the fellows and it was an amazing speaker, who told his story in the meeting. After the meeting we went for coffee, we chilled and chatted and everything was pretty good. I felt fine. I guess I felt happy. Until…

I came home, watched Eat Pray love, had some lovely dinner and than my phone started ringing. First a fellow, to who I haven´t talked to in a while, called. I was happy to hear from her. While I was talking to her, I got various calls and text messages of a fellow who was in a fight with her boyfriend. A couple minutes later another friend started calling and texting me that she is also in a fight with her boyfriend. Well, here my Codependency goes wild! So, who do I help first?!?!? This stressed me out so much, so I called one after another and after listening to all those crazy relationship addict problems, I just felt exhausted. Also a sponsee started calling me.

I should have just turned my phone on silence and continue to watch “Eat, Pray, Love”, but no I listened to all that drama for more than two hours and this morning I was wondering why I felt out of balance. Well, yeah again, I cared about everyones problems, but not about me and my self-care and my free time.

So in a bad mood this morning already, I wanted to fix some things in my bathroom. And yes I should not do that. I should call my landlord or someone else to fix it, but no I want it done today, without having the experience and knowledge, nor the tools to do this. Ahhhh and after failing there, I also might (don´t know yet) broke my vacuum cleaner. Oh happy day for somebody who has been a non-smoker for 18 days and still looks for every excuse to be stressed out and smoke.

Long story short, I cried like a baby. I felt so overwhelmed with all of this, I felt alone and I realized that I am not able to manage my own life. I get overwhelmed with the most smallest things sometimes.

Now after writing this down, I already feel a little better.

But still: I need to take a nap.

Oh did I tell you about my crush? No?!

#listeningtoallthosecrazystoriesofmyfriendslastnightknowingrealtionshipsareshitandthepartofmewhoishavingacrushtellingmeitwillbedifferentformethistimeyeahrightlol

I will! Later… 🙂

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My moms energy – difficult mothers

My mother just called and I am super annoyed. First, I am a grown up woman and both my parents calling my always every single day is just not okay for me. As a codependent this is very hard for me. I just want to say to them: “Please only call me once a week and in emergencies or on special occasions. Thanks!” But I can´t. I don´t want to hurt their feelings.

Second, I have my own business and right now I am in two situations. I am just finishing up my last project and after this I only have 1-2 requests for the next couple weeks. Summer! Not much to do! Not many request. I knew this would come and I am prepared, so nothing to worry about. I still have enough money on my bank account and I have enough money coming in in the next 6 weeks, so all good. But my mom asking me, if I  have nothing to do and if this is normal makes me nervous. She says that there is nothing to worry about, but in here tone in her energy I can hear that she is worried and that it bothers her.

This symbiotic relationship with my mom is one of the biggest stressors in my life. It drives me crazy. I knew I was in a very dependent relationship with my parents all my life and that this is not normal, but how bad it was and how bad for my well being and my peace of my mind, this is something I had to figure out in the last couple month, or well in the last year, since attracting all those narcissists in my life.

To set boundaries with my mom, feels like the toughest tasks ever. I think I would rather fight a crazy ugly huge monster than my mom. I cannot stand that energy I am in, when she called and lets her crazy sick emotions and all her fears pour over me. Yuck!

And yes, I love her and I do have compassion for her, but I still need to cut this cord. I am done with feeling like this.

The other thing which made me nervous today anyways, is waiting for two bills to be paid. One is due on monday, but the other one for due yesterday. I know that these are both loyal sources and I also have more than enough money to live and it is absolutely no problem if all that money is coming in monday or tuesday, BUT I am still nervous and scared.

I just want it to be there already, because I feel more secure than. Of course, nervous because of the this anyways, my mom calls me and is pseudo non worried about my business.

What I did today to calm my nerves was first meditating and then I got out my watercolors. I am the worst watercolorist on the planet, but I still enjoy it, because it calms me down and anything which calms me down is great. So, I keep painting and practicing.

And since I need to keep myself busy for the next couple day, I will work on a bucket/to do list in a next post, so I can focus on a couple things, till the end of the year.

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SMOKE.FREE

Two weeks smokefree woooohooo! I am feeling so good and happy. What I realized after two weeks after quitting smoking:

* breathing is easier

* my legs feel lighter

* my skin glows and is cleaner

* I have more energy

* I see things more clearly

* I thought I would feel more stressed, but the truth is that I feel a lot calmer

Yesterday I was feeling so high from being smokefree. It was amazing 🙂 I felt so in peace and I could see colors more vividly.

Today I actually was very lazy with my work. I felt like being in peace and quiet for a bit, so I did that, but the consequences are that I have to work late today. I am ok with that, since I have the rest of July off when I hand in the project tomorrow.

I have been thinking a lot about the goals I want to accomplish this year and I will journal about this on the weekend if I have a bit more time.

Also my therapy session was very interesting… sooo many thoughts. Will share them soon!

🙂

ALL OVER THE PLACE

Today I really had to spend the whole day on calming down. My emotions were all over the place. I was mad at friends I love. I was overflowed with resentments and anger, I have not felt in a long time.

When I wrote my inventory in Step 4, I could move on quickly from the little anger I had. I am more a “fear alcoholic”. But since this Coda event my anger was going crazy. This is probably a good sign, since there is a lot of anger in my body which I never allowed to come up. After I feel angry, I feel so guilty that I felt angry at people I love. It is a circle which never ends. The good thing though today, was that I tried to deal with in a constructive kind of away. Today I spent a lot of quiet time, which really helped me to deal with this.

Also I checked out all my photos and videos from the trip I did last week. I miss the ocean already when I see this video. Here a little clip:

 

The next couple days I really have to do some work and then I will be studying for my psychology test. Besides building my own business, I am also working on a Bachelors degree in Psychology. So lots to do! 🙂

In four weeks, end of July, I will take another short break. I am planning on doing a trip all by myself. I still cannot believe that I am actually doing that and I am planning a Europe Roadtrip all alone. I will go to Germany first, then Austria, then North Italy and then Tuscany and then back where I live…

I am really truly excited and I also cannot wait to take you along. My therapist really has been a great help in recovery! Every time I talk about the things I want to see or do, he always encourages me to do these things. If I complain that I don´t have a partner or friend who is coming with me, he encourages me to do these things by myself. So this I time, I am finally doing it 🙂

Before I end the day, I just want to write real quick, that I am very grateful for you, who reads my tiny, not grammatical correct words, for every like and all the kind words.

Today I am also very grateful for this nice vacations, for the upcoming vacation, for this voice in my head which gets softer, for enough money in my bank, for work, for the piece and quiet in my life, for this little creative place.

Oh yeah and for still being smokefree! Can you believe it?

WOW!

🙂