I never wrote about the rest of my roadtrip. I will do that. I promise! What I can say: It was truly amazing.
The last couple weeks went by so quickly. After coming home from a 12 hour car ride, I got back to work the next day right away, feeling like I had a 12 hour plane flight and jetlack. The long car ride back was horrible and I will not do that again, without stopping over night half way. But you live, you learn.
Since being back dating suddenly has become a topic. Not with that crush. He is single I know that, but it still would not be a good fit for me. I got over it pretty quickly.
But after my tiny panic attack in a train on the way to an appointment with a client, my therapist suggested that it would be a good idea to go on a couple dates, just to practice.
Since my last experience with a man, who turnt out to be a fraud, I have panic attacks in trains, Skilifts and worst of all airplanes.
Being sober and not drinking does not help either with flying. When I still was drinking a couple years ago, I always had two glasses of red wine before getting on the plane and this really medicated the mild nervousness I always used to have in vehicles flying through the air.
But still, my whole life I traveled and although I never enjoyed flying, I was not too scared, just a tiny bit and alcohol was my medicine. This panic attack thing started a year and a half ago, after that relationship ended. During that time, I also had a lot of stress in my last job and for that job I had to get up at 5 am a lot and fly to different cities just for a day.
After the last flight with a panic attack and sitting with the stewardess I could not get myself to fly again.
I don’t have to travel too much anymore. If I do have to travel, I take the car or go by train.
When I was on a sprinter train in March, it happened again, panic attack on the train.
That is when I realized that things are not good right now. It is one thing to be afraid of flying, but trainrides?
My therapist thinks that this is connected with the fraud of that man and the commitment phobia I started to have.
It was like flying high in love and then crashing and burning, so suddenly, not one sign that this would happen.
That man ghosted me after we were not just dating, but pretty seriously. After he ghosted me, also a million lies came out.
It was the hardest thing to get through, honestly. The pain was real, not because of the man, but that this happened to me.
The last year and a half I have not even considered dating. I feel really comfortable isolating thinking about some men that they are cute, nice or funny, but not more. Makes me feel, like I have things under control.
And I honestly feel more like slowly cutting off my arm with a dull knife than starting to date.
It makes sense to me that this is the result of my commitment phobia I caught 1,5 years ago.
Over the last week I checked out different online platforms, which all make me want to puke, but I chose two for testing and I try to open up for messaging with men.
Other than that, things are going good, after a little bump on the road, my business is thriving again, I am leaving for another vacation soon and my codependency is still strong, but hey I am just in step 2.
So I have so many aa sponsees, that I really have to focus to not switch things up, because I simply cannot say no.
A couple days ago, I went over a fellows house in the middle of the night and slept on her couch, because she finally broke up with her boyfriend forever and she felt so bad and sad.
But no worries: they are back together beginning the whole cycle again and I am still catching up on the sleep I lost that night.
Things are well! 😉
Well, I don’t want to joke: besides a couple little bumps, things are truly well and I am very grateful.